The great Northern Court of The Countess Bedelia has been in obvious competition with the great Southern Court of Mrs. Astor. This week they attended a performance of Hairspray, GLBT parties, star-stalked helpless entertainers (they ARE ruthless up in Trannsylchusetts), indulged themselves in lavish treats from Newport's duBarry, and seem to have had a great time of it.

Although we spent most of the week dancing on table tops in celebration of Victory, we now feel the need to plan and plot an exciting event of our own. The opportunity came in the form of a phone call from Bogota yesterday when our beloved Captain Jeremy exclaimed how happy he is to be returning to a free America in ten days. And there it was: The Welcome Home Party.

On Tuesday, Nov. 21, everyone is invited to The Palace to celebrate the return of our hero, Jeremy. Well, by "everyone" I--of course--I don't mean everyone; you will have to have been presented at Court already, you will have to be impeccably dressed (or undressed as the body might dictate), you will have to be able to execute the most delicate steps of Court dance (or at least be able to execute a peasant), and be mindful of "The Carpet".

"The Carpet" is the designated area of Jeremy's position. This area is reserved for me, legal counsel/campaign manager, Riley, Chris (there is always room for a Swiss banker), and any former members of the famed 7th Gay Calvary. All others must not stay on "The Carpet" for more than a minute or two of greetings.

Ok, "The Carpet" is a silly joke, but based on a true story. In the highly stratified world of the court life of Queen Victoria, position near her was dictated by position in royal society. The French Empress, Eugenie, had been living in exile since 1871 when the Franco-Prussian war caused the fall of her husband, Napoleon III. Victoria, as Empress of India, regarded Eugenie as an equal and both stood on a special carpet at royal receptions. No one dared step on that carpet; there were only two empresses in England.

One day an American actress of great regard was being presented at Victoria's court and, upon entering the room, got excited and dashed toward the two empresses, hand extended. Everyone gasped at this horrible break in protocol, but the real terror was that the actress was about to step on "The Carpet". Both Victoria and Eugenie maintained a frozen stance until--just a step from "The Carpet"--The Duchess of So-and-So gracefully grabbed the American's arm and led her to the side. Civilization had been saved.