Dog Day Afternoon

It was a glorious day for the weenie festival, and although my promised help failed to show up, I pretty much handled the crush of dogs trying to get a cold weenie martini. My table had great props like a three-foot bottle of Grey Goose (my water supply) and Art Deco shakers. The little critters came at me from all sides and even from under the table; dressed in a remarkable array of outfits, dachshunds must be the most pampered pets around. Mayor Dermer came up to me to thank us for the effort; I wanted to tell him he looked like a very bad Las Vegas performer, but refrained.

Another political moment came when Commissioners Gross and Bower bumped into each other at my table and exchanged pleasantries although both had just announced they were running against each other for mayor. It brought back fond memories of a Sunday lunch two weeks ago with Carl of The Wire magazine and the owner of a popular restaurant on Lincoln Road. Carl was going on and on about how Gross should run for mayor as he was the only one who really knew the needs of business and was an honest guy. I agreed, having worked on Gross's campaign five years ago. The owner was adamantly disagreeing, saying Ms. Bower was too niave to be corrupt and a great show for the outside media. That's when I said, "YES! She's like Bella Abzug, put some fun hats on her and we've got a circus." "She doesn't need hats," he replied. "She's got that hair!"

Well, Commissioner Bower turned to me and asked me for a martini, and I replied that it was just water for the dogs. She asked for a glass of water, and I replied that the dogs have been drinking out of my vintage martini glasses. "So, I can't have a glass of water?" she asked sort of hurt. "No," I said, "It's for the dogs." Then it sort of dawned on her (sort of) as she saw the dogs lapping water out of those glasses and she smiled and drifted off. "You should have let her drink out of a glass, dummy," said Carl just behind me. "I would have had a great photo."

We then went across the street to the after-party at The Palace and had just a grand time, although I was exhausted and dehydrated, of all things. Suddenly, shouts and chants came from the street and we ran to find the Bible-Thumpers, always ready to spoil a good, harmless time. Miss Tiffany grabbed the michrophone and shouted that videotaping her would be a violation of the copywrite laws, started reciting a prayer, and I ran to the phone to call the police.

Police: "What's the emergency?"
Me: "We are being harassed by a group of religous nuts and I am afraid of a confrontation between them and our customers. They have crossed the street and are on our sidewalk, in our crowd chanting and singing."
Police: "Do you see any weapons?"
Me: "NO! These a religous freaks; The Bible is their weapon."
Police: "We'll send a car right away."

They went away rather quickly after that, but it makes you wonder why they just can't leave us alone and why they seem to be obsessed with Miss Tiffany.