La Scandal...

What can I do to stop the scandal enveloping a community so small as South Beach? Leopoldo and I just dedicated a mountain of decency in helping get Matti Bower elected mayor only to wake up every morning to reporters camping on the front lawn from The New York Post, London's Sun, and every scavenger-hunting publication one can imagine. The cause? Every one's favorite gay Mormon (above) went home to ever one's favorite pit bull lawyer, The Riley.

Finally, today, I had to address The Press by coming out in a champagne, silk tea gown, my face covered by a hat wide enough to land a small plane on on a windless day in La Guardia. "The official position of this great house is and always will be one of complete denial. A supreme amount of alcohol had changed lips, and this alone will be the defense we maintain. I would like to invite every member of the press for gin and pancakes. We will entertain no questions about the 'Event', as we don't admit to knowing about it. Gin, we know about."