666 And Still Here

I'm fascinated by all the Doomsday crazies. Religious nuts around the country (and the world, of course; America doesn't have a monopoly on nuts) called for prayers against Satan and the assured destruction of all they hold dear that his ascent would assure. The Nation reported that some expected "scalped chickens will fall from the sky" and that "the anti-Christ will rise to render the earth a mosh pit of despair; an empty, rotted stink hole of evil mayhem". Apparently, they drove through Hialeah today.

There were the soon-to-be-mothers of the Anti-Christ postponing deliveries today or inducing them yesterday. What if you just can't hold it any longer? Is the hapless baby inspected for witch marks or, better yet, just politely smothered? I guess there must be someone out there who would think it an honor-- a manger biker family perhaps.

I was curious recently about the wide gap between those respected science-types who think Bird Flu will ravage the world and those wild free-thinkers who note that it's been limited to a small number of people who actually sleep with their poultry. The doomsdayers hold out the possibility of a total breakdown in the economic and social structure of society in the pandemic which occurs. And that's when I came across this.

The worried consumer, undoubtedly one warily eyeing the Blue Jay on the clothesline, has a wide range of products offered to them in preparation for the avian apocalypse. I picked the 90-day supply of freeze-dried food because they tell me that's " the normal time for the Avian Flu to run its course" (and the whole package fits under the bed, anyway, so I won't have to dust under there). How can you beat a meal that has a shelf life of twenty five years and only takes water to prepare? The menu lists dinner, lunch, and breakfast entrees along with side dishes and snacks.

Call me crazy, but I think we can expand upon this in a positive way. Not everyone can settle for a 90-day supply of bland food. Champagne can last a quarter of a century; looking forward to eating must, too. I can only imagine the success of this endeavor if they had the culinary genius of a consultant like That Pimpernel or Peter Barry, because even though that company lists Chicken a la King as a dinner entree, I doubt they can come up with a decent Bechamel sauce that mixes with stagnant water.

You want to talk about freeze-dried food? Try some of the super-aged, super-dry Reypenaer V.S.O.P. Old Gouda which Pimpernel brings me from Switzerland. One piece placed in the mouth and followed by a generous sip of red wine expands and satisfies you all day. Somewhere down the road there has to be dried cherries that burst into cream and still dance across your tongue twenty-three years later. Can't they see that there are gays, hags, people that sing showtunes around a piano, and other sensitive types with disposable income for which a moistened freeze-dried chicken stick just won't do? And especially not chicken!

I'm not getting on a soap box in Hyde Park about this, but if the end is near--or at least a 25 year period of near-end--there are those of us who need a decent freeze-dried meal.