"the" Mrs. Astor

Friday, July 31, 2009

We had not been to Bob and Terry's new home in Westerly, Rhode Island, and found a charming house perched on a hill overlooking Weekapaug Beach in that town.
But, until you saw the house from the back, you could not get a grasp of just how large it is (Leo got lost this morning and I had to rescue him). Cool by Miami standards, it was sunny and the air delightfully crisp. So were the cocktails--which in typical New England fashion--started flowing at 1 PM and there was a deck for every new cocktail hour. We also noted that I had woefully under-packed for the number of "costume changes" needed; we may need to go into town to shop.
We took the Jeep and tooled around all of Westerly today for the enlightenment of Mr. Astor. No stranger to Victorian architecture (being from San Francisco), my baby was impressed by the magnitude of everything: the size of the homes, the acreage they sat on, and the abundance of woodlands. We drove by all the places I used to get drunk at; nothing has changed and, indeed, he now knows why I call it The Land That Time Forgot.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

La Casa looks like a bomb went off in Saks as Mr. Astor tears through everything he owns in preparation of our trip. "Conservative, but not black/casual preppy/and nautical" was my advice for Rhode Island wear; the poor boy was crestfallen to learn that the darkest color he could wear was navy blue, as in blazer. The Baroness had already quipped that the only black Leopoldo could wear in R.I. would be his Papi underwear (and, then, only if they could NOT be seen through linen trousers).

I have agreed to a moratorium on photos of Mamie; she contends that I am bored and that they do nothing but amuse her friends in Nashville. So be it (for a while).

Baroness Seitzinger knows how to lure me; she sent this image beckoning me to her home. I simply adore to iron with a drink in my hand.

"Looks like you ladies have found a way to amuse yourselves in the summer heat!" So wrote Countess Bedelia, and how right she is. The oppressive heat this year has put a damper on many events as it is just easier to stay home than swim through the humidity to a club or hotel. So, it seems that we have resorted to picking on each other for amusement, a dangerous activity to be sure. I have therefore planned a little trip to Rhode Island in search of breathable air and old friends; it will also allow me to show Leopoldo just how I got to be the way I am. I don't think he will ever be prepared for Newport, though, and Mrs. Stuyvesant-Fish quipped, "Do you think he is ready to be surrounded by White People?" The question really is, am I? White People are really boring for the most part, but we will be troopers as we camp at the seaside "cottage" of our housemates here, Bob and Terry. Also on tap is a boat trip to Goat Island to visit Alan and Darren and a meeting with that old battle axe, Peter Barry. Alan, who is a private physician to high and mighty, promised to take us to the Pell home on Sunday (and I'm going to twist his arm for a trip to the Slocum's). Poor Mr. Astor; he knows not what he is about to get into.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Mrs. Stuyvesant-Fish and The Baroness Seitzinger bombarded me all day with quips, accusations, notes, and cute kitten pictures. This just reinforced my thought that they are all not working; the only thing that separates us is that I promote that notion of a leisure class (and a happy hour).
...then yet another photograph from Saks' security cameras was release to the press showing Mamie in a full-length (yes "full" in times like these) making a phone call to her stock broker. I mean, call me old fashion, but if Bernie Madoff is in jail....well, where is the justice.?
KiKi submitted this photo to me today and how it made me sigh. A study just this week purported that the second most harmful shoe for the human foot was flip-flop, after the toe-crunching high heel. I shook my head in discomfort for I knew not which I loved the more. KiKi took note and howled with laughter.

Baroness Seitzinger donated her ample spare time to another lecture today: Parsimonious Perfection in Perilous Times. You could have heard a pin drop, although it was not for lack of inattention.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

It was resoundingly decided by Society that Mrs. Styuvesant-Fish had to be honored for being captured on security film trying on a leopard coat at Saks after shopping at Cartier during a depression. Few of us have the gumption to do that, even in our most brazen, drunken states. One thing I remembered at this photographic point: Her eyes remained semi-closed but gently fluttering, as if struggling under the weight of her fame....The Baroness Seitzinger quite-rightly decided to award Mamie the trophy of the most Opulent Spender of the month (therefore hiding her own indiscretions).

And poor Jeffrey Donovan of the Miami-based series, Burn Notice, was arrested on a DUI charge after leaving the Fountainbleu headed to his home. Personally, if I had been that cop he almost collided into, I would have given him some slack after a hefty pat-down. But it brings back the old thought: If you have enough money to do what you want, why don't you hire a driver? Still, I'll be holding a candle-light vigil for him any time he wants.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Trouble is brewing in a town caught in the summer doldrums. Security cameras caught Mrs. Stuyvesant-Fish trying on a leopard coat (in the height of summer, no less) at Saks Fifth Avenue. They were sent by secret dispatch to The Baroness Seitzinger who forwarded them to me, knowing full well that I would never show a soul. Imagine...in a time like this that social windbag is buying emerald-decorated pens at Cartier and fancying leopard coats; there should be a law.
This is on the heels of a general conference called for tomorrow evening between the three of us. And, I know trouble is brewing because 1. The Baroness has asked me to bring a camera crew, 2. Mrs. S-F called me today to assure her love and devotion to my house, and 3. Someone said that Poland had to be invaded. My dressmaker has been ordered to make me a corset of Kevlar and all vacation leave for pool boy/food tasters canceled. I will close my eyes tonight while the words, "Peace in our time" gently pass over my lips.

Monday, July 20, 2009

what a weekend... On Friday we celebrated our anniversary with all our friends at Twist, on Saturday we toasted our little boy/bartender, Tommy, for his birthday, and last night we went for a quiet drink at Twist with Susie in the bungalow and stumbled into a sort of club nirvana, with Twist owners Richard and Joel, Henrietta, and a colorful assortment of town bartenders, managers, doormen, and go-go boys. At one point, we looked at each other and just sighed; we had reached club nirvana.

Once again I got a raised eyebrow last night when I answered the question, "How have you been?" with "Just dandy." The word, "dandy", doesn't seem to be used or understood much anymore, so I present a test to detect whether you, or someone you love, is a closet Dandy.

) You live within 10 miles of:

a) London (+10)
b) Paris (+8)
c) New York (+5)
d) Major metropolitan city (+1)
e) Anywhere else (0)

2) Your age is:

a) 18-25 (0)
b) 25-30 (+1)
c) 30-45 (+5)
d) 45-70 (+1)
e) 70-up (0)

3) Your relationship status is:

a) Single (+10)
b) Married (0)

4) When it comes to physical appearance, you are:

a) Tall, dark and handsome (+5)
b) Tall, dark or handsome (+2)
c) Rather average (0)
d) Rather unappealing (-3)

5) In regards to your physique:

a) Your waist is smaller than your inseam (+5)
b) Your waist is the same as your inseam (0)
c) Your waist is larger than your inseam (-2)

6) Your facial hair preference is:

a) Clean shaven (+3)
b) Mustache or goatee, over 40 (+1)
c) Mustache or goatee, under 40 (-3)
d) Clean shaven with sideburns (-5)

7) Your source of income:

a) Independently wealthy (+10)
b) Credit (+7)*
c) Self-employed (+5)
d) Work in office (-5)

* Must flee to France when credit is exhausted

8.) For college, you attended:

a) Oxford (+10)
b) Princeton (+5)
c) Anywhere else (0)

9) When it comes to your name and ancestry:

a) You’re a commoner, and like Noel Coward, “related to no one but myself.” (+3)
b) You have a title, such as lord or duke (+2)
c) You have an assumed title, such as lord or duke (-5)

10) Your home is:

a) A cloistral male sanctuary for you alone (+8)
b) Cohabited by a fellow dandy (+2)
c) Cohabited by a female spouse/lover (0)
d) Cohabited by a wife and kids (-5)
e) Cohabited by roommates (-6)
f) Cohabited by parents* (-7)

* At ancestral family estate (+5)

11) Your mode of travel around town is primarily:

a) Driver/taxi (+8)
b) Well aged luxury sedan/sports car (+3)
c) Public transportation (train, subway) (0)
d) Economy car (-3)
e) Highwheel bicycle (-5)

12) Your preferred form of tobacco is:

a) Cigarette in holder* (+5)
b) Cigarette (+4)
c) Cigar (+3)
d) Pipe (+1)
e) Quit smoking (0)
f) Never smoked (-2)

* Must be 40 or older

13) Your preferred drink is:

a) Claret (+3)
b) Champagne (+2)
c) Scotch/cognac (+1)
c) Martini (0)
d) Homemade absinthe (-3)

14) Your command of the French language is:

a) Fluent (+5)
b) Reading knowledge (+2)
c) You know “cravatte” means “cravat” (-2)

15) Your musical tastes are primarily:

a) Classical (+5)
b) Jazz and vocalists (+3)
c) Anything else (-3)

16) Your walls are decorated primarily with:

a) Images of masculine panache, such as hunting, equestrian or sartorial prints (+5)
b) Classic art (+2)
c) Modern art (0)
d) Plaster ducks (-3)

17) You have cultivated a collection of useless objects of beauty*, such as antique snuffboxes or Sevres porcelain:

a) Yes (+5)
b) No (0)

* Excluding books, pipes, etc., which serve a utilitarian purpose.

18) For a pet, you’d prefer:

a) Fussed about dog with an endearing name like KiKi (+3)
b) Cat (+1)
c) Jewel-encrusted tortoise (-2)

19) When it comes to sport, you prefer:

a) Fencing, boxing (+5)
b) Golf (+3)
c) Tennis, etc. (+1)
d) You’re like Cecil in “A Room with a View” (0)

20) You possess the following skills (+2 for each):

a) Horsemanship
b) Piano
c) Dancing
d) Flying
e) Painting/sculpture

21) Your suits, jackets and trousers are primarily:

a) Saks (+10)
b) Off the rack but tailored (+ 2)
c) Off the rack, not tailored (0)
d) Vintage (-5)

22) You own a set of white tie and tails:

a) Yes (+5) *
b) No (0)

* Not to be used for the purpose of professional ballroom dancing or orchestra conducting.

23) When it comes to velvet, you have:

a) A smoking jacket (+3)
b) One jacket or waistcoat (+1)
c) Nothing velvet (0)
d) A velvet suit in emerald (-2)
e) Multiple items in velvet (-3)

24) When it comes to hats, you wear a:

a) Homburg/fedora, etc., when it’s under 40 degrees (+3)
b) Homburg/fedora, etc. when above 40 (-2)
c) Top hat during daylight hours, outside of Ascot (-5)
d) A lampshade (-10)

25) A stranger has mocked you because of your dress:

a) At least once in your life (+3)
b) On a daily basis (-5)

26) You would most like others to consider your appearance:

a) Rakishly elegant (+5)
b) Well dressed (+3)
c) Fashionable (0)
d) Unique (-1)
e) Anachronistic (-2)

27) You prefer to dress in:

a) Blue, like Brummell (+4)
b) Gray, like Grant and Astaire (+3)
c) Checks and plaids, like the Duke of Windsor (+2)
d) Bright colors, like Disraeli and Gatsby (+1)
e) Black, like Cher (-3)

28) When discussing clothes with non-dandies, they look you over and:

a) Ask for advice (+5)
b) Give you advice (-5)

29) You would most like to have the wardrobe of:
a) The Duke of Windsor (+5)
b) Tom Wolfe (+1)
c) Fonzworth Bentley (0)
d) Oscar Wilde (-2)
e) Michael Jackson(-5)

30) When it comes to conversation in society, your preferred form of persiflage is:

a) To speak light of the serious and serious of the light (+5)
b) To talk to every woman as if you loved her and every man as if he bored you (+3)
c) To discuss art and literature (+2)
d) To rail against consumerism, materialism and the vulgarity of the masses (-3)

31) On online forums, you’re considered:

a) A caustic wit (+8)
b) A gentleman and scholar (+1)
c) Hardly noticeable (0)
d) An odd bird (-10)

32) You have published on the subject of dandyism:

a) Yes, in book form (+9)
b) Yes, in a magazine/newspaper (+6)
c) Yes, on the Web (+3)
d) Yes, at my diary (+10)
e) No (0)

33) You have been the subject of a piece of writing on dandyism:

a) Yes (+10)
b) No (0)

34) Somewhere, in print or on the Web, is a clever quote attributed to you:

a) Yes (+5)
b) No (0)

35) The real-life man you most admire is:

a) George Brummell (+5)
b) Fred Astair (+3)
c) Andre 3000 (0)
d) Robert de Montesquiou (-3)

36) Not that you care what others think, but still you would least like to be thought of as:

a) Common (+3)
b) A closet sentimentalist (+1)
c) Cold and aloof (0)
d) Vain (-2)

37) Not that you care what others think, but you would most like to be thought of as:

a) A well dressed philosopher of life (+5)
b) A dapper man about town (+2)
c) An artist (+1)
d) A reclusive aesthete (0)
e) A rebel against conformity (-5)

38) Of the statements below, choose the one you most agree with:

a) “Dandyism is the result of an artistic temperament working upon a fine body within the wide limits of fashion.” (+5)
b) “Every dandy dares, but he stops at the intersection between originality and eccentricity.” (+3)
c) “Beaux, lions or dandies… all share the same characteristic of opposition and revolt.” (-1)
d) “Dandies, being perfumed shamans, reside within the twilight realm that exists betwixt the worlds of the Animate and the Inanimate. Because of this, Dandies identify strongly with plants.” (-5)

Your score:

240 (perfect score): You are the ideal of modern dandyism
168-239: Faithful myrmidon
167-under: Affected provincial

Sunday, July 19, 2009

We celebrated our anniversary at Twist on Friday night with many of our friends; it seemed that everyone had a good time. Although many a guest did not remember how they got home, they thanked us the next day for a fun event.
Our favorite bartender, Tommy, hosted the get-together.
The atmosphere in Bar 1 (of 7) was of a cozy, British pub.

I noticed Mrs. Stuyvesant-Fish collaring anyone smaller than she and talking their ears off.

Lots of our friends came out to help us celebrate and proceeded to get smashed, as usual.

Together with that parvenu, The Baroness, Mamie started acting up, copping feels of Mr. Astor and just being her old, lovable self.

Mamie and The Baroness showed how dear they are to us by arriving with a customized cake; Mamie admitted that when she ordered the cake and was asked what color scheme to use, she replied, "Garish!.

But I detected motive behind the cake as nothing has given Mamie more pleasure than to take a knife and cut my throat, even if it was symoblic. Notice the malicious look on her face.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Lamart sent me this bulletin from the Miami Beach Police:

MBPD is looking for volunteers to take part in a simulated casualty for shooter training exercise ~ 7/27 - 31
The Miami Beach Police Department is looking for individuals to assist with volunteering to be a simulated casualty for our active shooter training exercise. The event is scheduled on a week day, the week of July 27-31 from 7:00am - 4:00pm at a Miami Beach location to be disclosed at a later date, along with the exact date of the event.

In order to be considered to participate, you must:
1. Be in good health
2. Be able to run and scream
3. Be able to climb up and down stairs
4. Be willing to lay on the ground as needed (simulate injuries)
5. Be willing to have make-up and/or simulated blood put on you
6. Commit to staying for the entire day (7:00am - 4:00pm)
7. Be willing to be transported to local hospitals and receive simulated medical care.

My answers:
1. Except for the liver and kidneys...CHECK
2. I don't run, except for a sale; but I DO scream, especially in movies and, well...
3. I only crawl up and tumble down, but they are very realistic.
4. As long as there is a drink in my hand.
5. Long history with make-up; can do blood as long as #4 applies
6. I must leave by 1 for Twist happy hour; "mistakenly" shoot me first.
7. As long as the care is provided by Adam Rodriguez from Miami CSI

Oh, Hell! I'll just walk up Washington Avenue on a Saturday night and experience the real thing.

Today we are celebrating our 2 year anniversary of meeting that fateful day when I was late and literally bumped into Leopoldo in my haste...

It has been a fantastic journey. We will meet our friends tonight at Twist for drinks.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The City of Miami announced a round of layoffs and cuts to deal with the expected half of billion dollar budget shortfall. Much of the long-hailed massive building of the downtown sits empty; this didn't stop the City from forcing the over-priced and undoubtedly soon to be over budget sports stadium down the throats of the citizens. The City is still trying to make up the over-budget opera complex by selling name space to the highest bidder. It's so sad you have to laugh.
The incredible heat that has marked the month of July continued today to the point that many decided to stay indoors. I tried to finish the gardening work I started yesterday with Mr. Astor and had to wrap it up fast before I just caught on fire. Oddly, there has been no rain in two weeks.

Once the sun went down, we were able to join the class reunion and meet up with Carl and Jeremy; both are here for just a few days and we only had an hour to be together with Jeremy. Carl is staying on a few days more to attend our two year anniversary at Twist on Friday and Tommy Decker's birthday there on Saturday. There's also something there on Sunday, but I'm too sun struck to remember.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Mr. Astor had one of his rare weekends off, so we made the very best of it and made a state visit to KiKi. We had just celebrated his eighteenth and one half birthday and were concerned about his lethargic behaviour in the last week. Fortunately, he got a dose of antibiotics from the vet and was back to his old, crabby nature. I had a spirited game of "Tarantula" with him and he thoroughly enjoyed the steak we had sauteed in mushroom sauce for him.
I also have to say that I never meant to bad mouth The Baroness; she has every right to flaunt her money as is the right of everyone else here on South Beach. I just wonder about the way she flaunts her taste. Secret images taken by her staff show she has a most vulgar figurine in her bedroom next to--and, I shudder to think of it--her sainted mother's photograph. I won't even bring up the fact that our gift of The Star of Constantinople in there, too.
The week is off to a grand start. Carl Zablotney flew into town last night from Mexico for the week and today my beloved Captain Jeremy arrived from Columbia. All we need is a couple of other members of the famed, gay Seventh Calvary to have a quorum.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

As expected, Baroness Seitzinger didn't come unarmed to our meeting last night. When we entered she was having one of her garish pieces of jewelry--The Heart of Pond--fastened by her Spanish hand maiden. (Truly, only someone with a purchased title travels with a hand maiden these days.)
It wasn't but for a few minutes later that calamity struck. With a sweeping hand
gesture, the Baroness popped out one of Mr. Astor's contacts. She, and several other concerned guests, got on their hands and knees in search of the contact that would later show up on one of Mr. Astor's shopping bag. This is a natural pose for the Baroness.
Of course, we couldn't get a word in edgewise between non-stop claptrap from Mrs. Stuyvesant-Fish about how the world revolved around her every thought and Seitzinger's endless chatter about her wealth and purchased place in society. To everyone's surprise, Officer Brian popped in; it is so like him to arrive unannounced.
We had so much fun that I've called for another meeting this afternoon and neither one of these hags would dare not show up and be talked about.

Friday, July 10, 2009

A more malicious smile you couldn't find; Mamie is beaming because she is seizing the moment to cop a feel. I have had to summon the social triumvirate together tonight since Baroness Seitzinger is totally out of control, too; I don't know what medication she has mixed up but her delusions and intrusions must cease. So we have all decided to settle these matter the old fashion way: a barroom brawl at Twist tonight at 6 PM. Now, I must summon the pool boy to fetch me a big hat pin, sharp enough to go through the Baroness's leathery skin and long enough to penetrate Mamie's multiple layers.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

With Mr. Astor home and my sleep binge over, we jumped back into the social scene Tuesday night to attend our dear friend, Kendall's, exhibit in the freshly renovation Old City Hall of his vast collection of Elizabeth Taylor movie posters.
The collection was not only enormous, but some of the posters gargantuan.
Like many, I always think of Liz's first picture being National Velvet, but as Kendall pointed out in his lecture, there were others previous to that film in which sometimes she didn't even get billing. Those movie posters where displayed, too.

When we look at these posters today, the difference in the artistic presentation is very pronounced.

There were two walls designated to Cleopatra posters. There was the American...

...and the foreign. The Japanese were the most restrained. Kendall also had a very rare poster which had Rex Harrison pictured in an inset; Harrison, who had equal billing, sued the studio, won, and all those poster were supposedly destroyed.
I was bending over a glass case housing movie souvenir books and actual tickets to the New York premiere when I heard, "Well, hello there." It was The People's Mayor, Matti Bower.
This grand night thrilled all who attended and the exhibit will be open for at least a few weeks in The Old City Hall next to police headquarters on 11th and Washington, so conveniently located diagonally across from Twist. It will also be open for you to strike a campy post with La Liz.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Now that Mr. Astor has returned from San Francisco, I can emerge from my self-imposed slumber; during the few times I did venture out, note was made that I was not myself. Actually, after Twist's birthday bash--a night that lasted until five in the morning--the sleep fest I engaged in was a relief. I did meet Mamie for tea on Sunday; it was typical Mamie. She barged into the the tearoom with five friends, all competing to be the loudest and guzzling every thing in their path. It was a fun afternoon for me, after spending three days in bed, but once again it was pointed out that I was a little too reserved. (A raging elephant dancing on a table and setting itself on fire would be a little too reserved next to that bunch.)
Celebrity bartender, Ditmar Perner, will host a party celebrating his birthday this Saturday, June 11 at his new venue on the beach of Ft. Lauderdale, Karnival. This club had fallen into a period of neglect and its new owners searched out the popular Ditmar to become general manager. Although not on what is generally called the gay part of the beach, in true Ditmar fashion he has decided to move the gay section to the beach in front of his new club.

Bye, bye Caribou Barbie.

Maureen Dowd wrote that Sarah Palin was "...one, nutty puppy" and had displayed "exquisite battiness" in The New York Times, and MSNBC's morning crew sighed, "...how could anyone function politically with a family like that?" But the oddest response of all, to me, was no response--at least initially--from the Drudge Report. With the world howling the news from every rooftop, Drudge took a long 24 hours to even post a piece on their darling.

Why does it seem that Sarah is going to be one of those summer colds that lingers and never seems to go away?

And, perhaps the police did save us from a future serial killer by skillfully profiling and tracking the movements of Tyler Weinman.
After explaining in great, gorey detail what it was like to dissect a cat, Miami-Dade police issued a statement declaring him a "sociopath" Also, it hasn't been reported all that much that his mother is a "life coach"; if she does half a good as job on her clients as she did on her son, we all should be worried.

Oh well, it's nice to be back and have Mr. Astor to fuss over again.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

I'm kicking myself in the ass for forgetting to bring my camera last night. It was a long day, but well worth the effort to attend one of the biggest parties of the year; just about everyone turned out for the sixteenth birthday party of Twist. Not only did we dance with Henrietta, but she treated the club with her first performance on stage since 1969, singing "On A Clear Day". It was surreal. Somehow, we managed to stay out until 5 AM, as did everyone else. Some day the bill will come due.
Once again, I thank the owners and management of Twist; this is night manager, Cyra, and Twist accountant, Robert, with Leopoldo last Friday. Only Twist can host an open bar for the entire town for three hours; we avoided that cattle rush as we had so many drink tickets. The entire town is hung over today; now I have the impending departure of Mr. Astor for a long weekend to deal with. I hate to be alone, so he has turned me over to the guardianship of Mrs. Stuyvesant-Fish. This is what the town received by official cable from her people: "Mrs. SF is preparing an official communique to all watering holes in South beach. They're being advised to not over serve our dear Caroline.Her proclivity for getting into scuffles with inanimate objects defies all rationale. Oh hell..I'm off on Friday and plan on boozing it up all afternoon; perhaps Mrs. Astor will take time off from her needlework and join me?" This is how she taunts the town...and me.
And, poor Ruth Madoff...forced to take the subway. She admonished the photographer with a snap of whether he was happy to destroy her life. Poor thing, she just doesn't get it. Her husband destroy her life.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Work on Twist's 16 th anniversary bash continued through the afternoon and showed no signs of abating when I left after having a much-needed cocktail or two with Mrs. Stuyvesant-Fish. A legion of designers, artisans, carpenters, landscapers, carpet-layers, painters, and technicians labored all day to meet the 9 PM opening time. We will be picking up Henrietta at 11 PM to attend.
And--speaking of The Queen of South Beach--I meant to show a photo of her presenting one of the shoes she wore to Twist last Friday. She never ceases to amaze us; not only does the height of the shoes of a 68-year-old defy common sense, but the novelty of their designs always bring a smile. That night she proudly showed off a pair of platforms that had porno scenes lacquered to them.

And, speaking of Mrs. S-F, Leopoldo is leaving for San Francisco on Friday for a wedding and he has placed my good care into her hands--al eight of them. This has caused much eye-rolling here; how could my good behaviour be trusted to a known social criminal like Mamie. (In addition, I know she will try to poison me or plan my demise more creatively, like being run over by one of her carriages or tumbling off her balcony. I have enlisted several pool boys to protect me.